To pharaphrase the littlest hobo…  There’s a place that keeps on calling me; China Town, that’s where I’ll always be.

Make no mistake upon entrance, this place is like that last bit of Ikea where you can buy all the stuff to fill your nice until-now-uncluttered house, but with special powers.  There is no “pop” to China Town.  You try to leave and yet you are contained because you are accidentally in another part of China Town; the windows are internal, and unlike Ikea there is no map – no-one knows where anything is, you desperately trade information with other shoppers: “Have you seen pyjamas?” “Seventeen aisles that way; have you seen ironing board covers?”.  Nothing is where it should be, I accidentally happened upon garden chair cushions about a fifteen minute walk from garden chairs the other day; I think I was looking for a running backpack.  There is strategically room for them to add another floor – after this happens no-one will ever leave.

When you arrive your handbag is locked in a sack which you carry over your shoulder and helps blend you in with all the other muggles roaming the place, this is apparently to prevent you being pickpocketed and/or shoplifting, I can’t but wonder if it is also to track you through the store, Pacman style.  It would not surprise me if they also apply space shifting so you actually do find yourself back in the same aisle six times in a row.

Why does anyone go there?  The answer is in the eyes of anyone you mention the words “China Town” to.  When you find what you’re looking for it is glorious, and the tupperware aisle is a thing of beauty.

There is a huge but.  Of course.  And not a good one like Kim; this but is possibly slightly strategic, you don’t always come away with a successful purchase.  So you have to go back…..  Pyjamas, repeated fail, perhaps the Chinese don’t wear pyjamas?  Linen, also fail; nothing fits!  In John Lewis you locate a packet that says what size it is in terms you understand and that’s all you need, thanks to China Town I’ve ended up with fitted sheets which don’t fit and a pillowcase which I could probably use as a sleeping bag.

I’m heading back there tomorrow.  So if want to join me for a while, just grab your hat…..