I don’t quite know how to tell you.

Only a matter of days ago it felt like everything was finally coming together for my future out here, I would no longer be transient; I passed my Cruising Instructor, so working is tenable; I had my eye on a delightful studio for sale around the corner from where I live now, ground floor so we could have the ever desired cat flap; and my friend found an automatic mini within budget, which I was ready to snap up…… then everything changed.

I’ve only confessed to a few, but there’s been a niggle in my brain for the last six months.  It dissipated for long enough for me to concentrate on passing my YM and CI – but it popped back up for real midway between the two when I got snippets of news, and I started to dwell on the dreaded what if.  What if I left London at the wrong time?  What if I left at the right time, but there’s a little more City in me?  What if I can live both dreams?

And so, with much much much trepidation, with everything I had hoped for out here within such close reach, but – and in my head it is slightly, and joyfully, snakes and ladders fashion – I have to reveal that I am taking the route back.  I’m going back to the City.  Not forever!  I’ve learnt so much about myself out here, about what I want and where I see myself in the future, so I will return and recommense this adventure.  But right now I think I need to satisfy that what if, and take on a few more years in the City.

Without going into dull banking stuff, the tender for this job was submitted two days after I gave notice.  Of course, the timing couldn’t be plotted.  And it has haunted me ever since.  It will be a challenge, it will be everything I walked away from and more; the hours will be long, conference calls will be my lifestyle, I’m definitely going to have to wear tights, I’m equally excited and petrified.  It is a massive promotion and a job which I couldn’t have imagined would be mine when I started working in this world, I will have a The in front of my job title.  How could I turn it down?  Especially after being gone for a year to pursue something completely different!

My dad said that it’s a “no brainer”, but the decision was down to me, and it wasn’t easy – am I ready to give up this wonderful new life I have here?  Can I go back without falling down the rabbitholes of lethargy and stagnation I felt a year ago?  I want to say yes, I’m not the same Maddie who left the City, I am excited to embrace yet another challenge and be credit derivatives geeky for a little while longer before being a full time saily lady in denim shorts with terrible hair.

City friends; buy prosecco.  Canaries friends; look after these glorious islands for me!  Sailing friends; hold a place for me!  Maddie will be back.