Definition: Courage in pain or adversity.

Recently I failed.

I started a new job, with a different sailing school, and it didn’t go well. Really quite badly in fact.

Others disagree, they told me I stepped up when things were tough, but what I felt was that I let people down. Positive feedback aside, what I walked away with was the feeling that I made no-one proud.

When so many people have invested their time in you; when your parents, who you never expected to back you in such an endeavour, have been there every step of the way; when you have yourself made it public that you are taking a leap… it is more terrifying than ever to accept you might have failed to make it.

The dread of disappointing others is something which has been bred into me since I was small. I never really feared a telling off, especially since my parents and housemasters were of the calm-and-quiet when angry genre, thus a solemn and quietly spoken “disappointed in you” is enough to reduce me to tears.

Mid March, my birthday week no less, I felt I’d failed everyone, and wanted to hide, to stay quiet, alone, contemplate changing my name and moving to a new country where no one knew anything about me. But that’s hard to do when you have an elderly cat which you’re terrified to put on a plane again.

And the school were great, they offered me a second chance at showing them my very best.

So, I gave it another go. I laughed off all the jokes at my expense, and I tried again. I said to myself and others that I needed to give it more time, that the odds were in my favour for a good week, it was a second chance at a new start. But with the caveat that if it didn’t go well then a rethink would be required.

Again it did not go well.

Someone got hurt. It broke my heart.

I had a real think, weighed up the pros and cons of this life here. I will share those with you another day, but for now just say that in order to step up I took a step back, had a look at everything I have achieved and what I want to do next. Where I would be happiest; how and where I can bring the most joy to others in my life.

And the answer to that is back in the City.