How have you coped with lockdown? With isolating? With loneliness, or the opposite; people in your personal space all the time?

I turned to food. It comes with huge and predictable guilt, but at the time it is fun; the planning of what to eat is the highlight of my day, the purchasing, the discovery of new Maddie friendly items, and the enjoyment of the moment of eating! But then there is the inevitable shame. If anything I eat more to ensure it is “worth it” on the other side. The regret the next day. When I next brave the scales. When I catch a glimpse of myself side on in a mirror.

I have barely seen anyone in person since March, and fundamentally do not do video anything, so few people know quite how badly the frenetic 2020 eating has affected me. Since my desk is directly in front of the fridge I can literally reach in from my chair, it is hard to say no to what my boss has termed a “snaccident” except mine are almost continuous.

I have tried not buying food, but the fear hits me 30mins before the supermarket closes; what if THIS is the day they close for good? What if THIS is my last chance to buy those little luxuries I need right now? Because if that is the case then I deserve this one last glorious midnight snack.

I hate the way I look and feel, and I am doing my best to encourage myself to exercise, hoping that once I start to see the wins I will finally stop eating the contents of my fridge at least twice a week.

But we have hit a roadbump, which prompted me to write this post. I sent the below email to my gym earlier, and I thought it couldn’t hurt to share – in case anyone else feels like me, in a loop, without a clear or shame free path back to pre lockdown life.

You are not alone.

~~~

Good evening,

I attend your gym between 3 and 7 times a week, and I am delighted with your staff and service. However, yesterday I was informed that the photograph you have on file for me is no longer acceptable and you will cancel my membership unless I let your staff take a new one. This year has been hard. I have put on upwards of 40lbs and still have 20lbs to lose. I do not want a photograph of me taken like this, feeling hideous, for posterity. I did not go to the gym today through fear of having to be photographed like this, and confess I am considering cancelling my membership; I had to flag this to you as this goes against what I would assume is everything you stand for? Why are you discouraging your members? The gym should be a safe place, free of shame. I have tears when I think about having to try again to come tomorrow and face a camera, I may be brave enough but I may not, and I doubt I am the only one. Please consider your policies and be kind to your members and those who may consider becoming a member, we want to improve ourselves with your help, please don’t put hurdles in our way.